George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want,...”

“To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been cou...”

“This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our...”

“You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck...”

“You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wann...”

“Swearing on the Bible, you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand and put your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter, which hand? Does God really give a...”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.”

“The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.”

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.”

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.”