Henny Youngman

“You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

“I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.”

“I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.”

“I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.”

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

“There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

“I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.”

“The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”

“A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”

“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“She has a wash and wear bridal gown.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

“My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.”