Henny Youngman

“You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”

“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.”

“A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”

“My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!”

“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”

“Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.”

“Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.”

“If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?”

“This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.”

“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”

“She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.”

“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”

“That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!”

“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”

“Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.”

“Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”

“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”

“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”