Larry David

“I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the A...”

“Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!”

“Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.”

“I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.”

“When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll...”

“Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.”

“I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.”

“Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.”

“You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.”

“Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it my...”

“There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.”

“I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.”

“The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.”

“It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.”

“I think Michael Moore is a hero.”

“I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.”

“Golf and dating don't mix.”

“People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.”

“Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.”

“My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.”