Milton Berle

“I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.”

“Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”

“Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.”

“Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient”

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door”

“The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.”

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”

“Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.”

“Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny...”

“They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.”

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?”

“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.”

“It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.”

“Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.”

“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.”

“There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that wi...”

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”

“I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'li...”

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.”

“Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.”