Mitch Hedberg

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

“I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”

“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

“It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”

“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

“People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

“I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.”

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run...”