Mitch Hedberg

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”

“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”

“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”