Mitch Hedberg

“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”

“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”

“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”

“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.”

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”

“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”

“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”

“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.”