Rita Rudner

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and boughr jewelry.”

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

“Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.”

“I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.”

“Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.”

“Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.”

“Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.”

“If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.”

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

“Men in high levels of government seldom surf.”

“All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.”

“Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.”

“My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.”

“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.”

“The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.”

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try com...”

“While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boo...”