Rita Rudner

“Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with...”

“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”

“When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.”

“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

“I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't muc...”

“I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.”

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purp...”

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”

“The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.”

“I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than...”

“My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.”

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

“I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving mo...”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”