Rita Rudner

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

“I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.”

“The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.”

“Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.”

“I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”

“Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.”

“I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner...”

“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.”

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

“I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.”

“I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I star...”

“I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to...”

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”

“My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.”

“I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.”

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

“It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.”