“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”
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Author detail
American magician and writer
Quotes
Showing 1-20 of 34
“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”
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“My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.”
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“It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.”
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“I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.”
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“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”
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“We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.”
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“I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!”
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“Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.”
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“"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.”
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“There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.”
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“Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.”
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“What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?”
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“I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?”
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“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”
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“Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.”
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“More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.”
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“I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.”
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“With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!”
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“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”
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“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”
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