Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

“If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.”

“I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”

“Life is just a bowl of pits.”

“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”