Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”

“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

“My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

“I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.”

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”

“I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!”