Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.”

“If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.”

“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”