Steven Wright

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“What's another word for thesaurus?”

“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”