Steven Wright

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a de...”

“What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.”