Steven Wright

“I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It...”

“I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy...”

“The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insa...”

“I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, someti...”

“Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.”

“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”

“I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.”

“I'm addicted to placebos.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

“The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”

“George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizin...”

“Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”

“It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra...”

“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.”