Steven Wright

“Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.”

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”

“I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.”

“It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”

“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”

“I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.”

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”

“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.”

“My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.”

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”

“If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.”

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”