Steven Wright

“In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once yo...”

“My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.”

“I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.”

“I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stu...”

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

“My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.”

“When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it'...”

“When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.”

“I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.”

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.”

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

“Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.”

“When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'”

“It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.”

“Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.”

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”