Steven Wright

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.”

“When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five m...”

“I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.”

“I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.”

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

“I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.”

“I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.”

“I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.”

“I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.”

“I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'”

“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of cour...”

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”