Steven Wright

“I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.”

“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.”

“I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and e...”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.”

“One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.”

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

“My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.”

“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”

“I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.”

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

“I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.”

“I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks,...”

“Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.”

“To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.”

“I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to kee...”

“I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create...”

“People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating....”