W. C. Fields

“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”

“I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”

“I must have a drink of breakfast.”

“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”

“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”

“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

“Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”

“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”

“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”

“The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”

“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”