W. C. Fields

“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.”

“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”

“Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.”

“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”

“Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”

“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.”

“Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.”

“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”

“I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”

“I like children - fried.”

“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”

“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.”

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.”