Woody Allen

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.”

“How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.”

“To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”

“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.”

“You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

“The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”

“I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”

“I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

“There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.”

“I read in self-defense.”

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”

“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.”

“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.”

“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”

“Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”

“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.”

“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

“Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.”

“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”

“My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.”

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”

“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”

“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”

“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”

“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”

“When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”

“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”

“What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?”

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on yo...”

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”

“You can live to be a hundred, if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.”

“I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.”

“I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.”

“The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under, try not to go bald.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.”

“You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.”

“Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.”

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”

“If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.”

“Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.”

“If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.”

“I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.”

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.”

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one mu...”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be than...”

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”

“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

“I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”