“I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.”

“There is a great need for a sarcasm font.”

“I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.”

“At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn'...”

“God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.”

“I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad...”