“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”

“And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, 'You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine with pictures of naked girls in it. How juvenile! I gave geese more sense than that.' Please, God. I...”

“When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.”