“I've made out more this season on a family-friendly show than ever in my actual life.”

“Some people think my father was a spy, because of working for that government agency in Vietnam, but he can't find his car keys, much less keep a national secret.”

“I get a delivery of a diet food during the week, which doesn't mean that I don't eat the occasional Krispy Kreme doughnut.”

“Once again, I've been thwarted by the massive difference between my vision of the successful me and the me I'm currently stuck with.”

“Anyone can smile on their best day. I like to meet a man who can smile on his WORST.”

“Sand castles just aren't made to last.”